My special day…eventually

Today, I am working at a wedding. When I was offered the chance to work this event, I was ecstatic. I love weddings! I have an elaborate Pinterest board devoted to color schemes, cakes, venues, table settings, dresses, and everything else you can imagine that has anything to do with weddings.

My guy friends on campus insist that I am wedding obsessed. …And maybe I am. But why? What is it about weddings that gets me so fired up?

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This was the question on my mind today as I helped the mother of the bride set up the room for her daughter’s wedding reception. I started thinking about all the experiences I’ve had with weddings. Well, my limited experiences.

This is actually only the second wedding I’ve ever been to. The first one was when I was very young and my dad was the wedding photographer. I don’t remember much about it.

My more memorable experiences have all been from TV shows, movies, and internet pictures. I used to religiously watch Say Yes to the Dress and Four Weddings. I’ve seen multiple wedding movies like Bridesmaids and Bride Wars, and I’ve already mentioned my Pinterest obsession.

When I started to think about the movie, Bride Wars, Anne Hathaway’s line stuck in my head. “For once, I just want something that’s mine.” This was her response to the suggestion that she and her best friend have a double wedding. I realized that I totally agreed with her character.

“For once, I just want something that’s mine.”

I don’t normally like to be the center of attention. Don’t get me wrong, I love being recognized for things I’ve done well, but I’m not a fan of all eyes being on me. Even though I think I am the bee’s knees, in real life, I’m not sure I deserve the spotlight. There’s always more I could have done, and I don’t want to open myself to the criticism of others.

But a wedding is different. It’s not about congratulating you for accomplishing a task; it’s about congratulating you for being happy, and that’s something people can’t criticize you for.

I think I also like weddings because, for one whole day, everyone is thinking about you and how wonderful you are. I know this sounds incredibly selfish, and maybe it is, but I still want it. Far too often in life, I’ve been led to believe that someone genuinely cares about me, and then the truth comes out that I’m just a convenient companion. I try to put other people first in my life, and it would be nice to have someone else do that for me.

Now, yes, that is what a husband should do, and I certainly expect to have that kind of respect from at least him on my wedding day, but it would still be nice to have that kind of attention and respect from other people, too. Just once, I would like people to talk about me and not change the subject to something about them. Just once, I would like people to look at me and see me.

“I see you.”

It’s like in the movie Avatar, where the Navii people say “I see you” instead of “Hey.” They say “I see you” because they see you for who you are. They recognize your soul and who you are as an individual. It is a sign that you are important to them and that, for a little while, you are their sole concern.

That’s what I want from a wedding. I want people to see me.

Blending in has its advantages, but everyone wants their few minutes of fame. They want to know that people love them and care about them.

At least, that’s what I want.

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Not my own

Ah, summer. Warm air, cool breezes, new flip flops,…and online classes. Yay.

I shouldn’t complain too much. I signed up for the course.

This summer, I thought I would try to be a bit productive and take the mandatory World of Work class to just get it out of the way before the real classes start. If I want to get a good internship, I need to have this credit under my belt before I can jump on the opportunity.

So, I’ve spent the last few weeks learning things I already knew, responding to less than boring discussion posts, and reading books that could use a good editor. But there are some good things. I may not be learning new things about myself, but at least I am reminding myself of my strengths and writing them down. I even revisited some of the goals I set for myself in middle school and found that some of them were closer to coming true.

Some of these discoveries (or maybe “rediscoveries”) started to get me motivated about planning my future again. After dealing with boyfriend troubles, high maintenance friends, and just the grind of freshman year, I put some of my passions and goals on hold. Now that I’m on summer break, I thought, maybe I can get my life back on the track I want.

Keywords: I want.

That’s all God needed to hear.

I was driving home from choir practice late tonight when TobyMac’s song, “Steal My Show” came on the radio. For the poor souls who have never experienced the awesomeness of TobyMac, this song is Toby’s humble admission that his success is not his own–it is and always was God’s will.  For as hard as he has worked to achieve the success and influence he has in the music industry, Toby invites God to take over his life. He asks him to take away anything not pleasing to God. He allows himself to be an instrument of God–something that cannot work on its own, but instead needs someone else to give it life.

This song always humbles me, but it absolutely blew me away this evening. I couldn’t help but think, “Who am I to think that I can plan my own life and try to achieve all the success I want?” How could I be so prideful to want a $90K salary to work in public relations? Who am I to think that I can plan my life without consulting my God?

He heard me, and he spoke back. I could hear the words in my head, “This is not your life to live. I know where you need to be, so let me guide you. You can’t do it without me.”

Now, I don’t want you thinking that my God is some ultra-controlling God who wants to choose every step I take. He’s not. He doesn’t want to keep me under his thumb; he wants to keep me under his wing, like any good father should. His words were stern because he knew I needed some stern words. He has told me before that he must come first in my life. He knows that I can do it. …And he knows that I respond to humility.

His words did not come to me in a flashing moment of clarity. There were no heralding angels descending from the clouds. No flash of lightning or booming thunder. It was just a voice. My voice, but his words. A thought that I knew was not mine. A thought I did not remember thinking, but a thought that was just there.

God didn't ass another day in your life because you needed it. He added it because someone out there needs you.That is how God speaks to me.

And now it is my turn to listen.

Jobseekers are taught to be flexible because we don’t know what the job market has in store, and that is true. A good employee is one who can do whatever her boss asks of her. But I am choosing to be flexible because I don’t know what God has in store, and a good Christian is one who will do whatever her Father asks of her.

My life is not my own, so I may as well let him steal my show. It was never mine to begin with.